My Mind Made the Fear Bigger

My anxiety and panic disorder didn’t start when I became an adult. I can remember dealing with anxiety since I was a little girl.

I always had a very active imagination, and I was always thinking. The problem was that sometimes I would think about something that scared me over and over again. I might tell myself to forget about it and go on with my day, but somewhere inside, that thought would stay with me.

Then suddenly, hours later, my heart would start racing, my chest would feel tight, I couldn’t breathe properly, and I wouldn’t understand what was happening.

Looking back, I realize that many times it started with a thought I had earlier in the day. I thought I had pushed it away, but my mind was still holding onto it.

One of my biggest fears as a child was choking.

I became so focused on swallowing that I was afraid to eat or even drink. Every time I swallowed something, I would concentrate on exactly how the food or liquid felt going down my throat.

I would actually try to feel myself swallowing.

And the more I focused on it, the more frightened I became.

What if I choke?
What if I can’t swallow?
What if something gets stuck?

Before I knew it, I was having another panic attack.

I didn’t understand at that age that by focusing so intensely on something my body normally knew how to do automatically, I was making myself more frightened of it.

The fear became bigger because I kept feeding it with my attention.

Over the years, that became one of the biggest lessons I learned about my anxiety:

What we continuously focus on can become much bigger in our minds than it really is.

When I was little, of course, I didn’t understand any of this. I just knew that I needed some way to get my mind away from the fear.

So I would play with my Barbie dolls.

I would design clothes for them.

I would take boxes and turn them into houses, cars, furniture, and toys.

I would create things and use my imagination for something positive instead of allowing it to keep feeding the fear.

The fear became bigger because I kept feeding it with my attention.

Over the years, that became one of the biggest lessons I learned about my anxiety:

What we continuously focus on can become much bigger in our minds than it really is.

When I was little, of course, I didn’t understand any of this. I just knew that I needed some way to get my mind away from the fear.

So I would play with my Barbie dolls.

I would design clothes for them.

I would take boxes and turn them into houses, cars, furniture, and toys.

I would create things and use my imagination for something positive instead of allowing it to keep feeding the fear.

Without realizing it, I was learning one of my first coping tools: redirecting my mind.

It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes the anxiety still won. Sometimes the panic still came. I dealt with anxiety in many different forms throughout my childhood.

I used to think maybe I simply had so much energy inside of me that I didn’t know where to put it. I was always thinking, planning, imagining, and overthinking.

But creativity became one place where I could put some of that energy.

And that little girl sitting on the floor making clothes and cardboard houses for her Barbie dolls didn’t know it yet, but she was already learning how to fight back against anxiety.

That was one of my first steps from panic to power.